... and stop dreaming
... and stop fantasizing
... and start seeing things as they really are

i don't wanna end up crying again
i don't deserve this
i don't know what will happen to me if my hunches and feelings are right
i hope i won't end up -->

Ang pangit naman if I had to use codenames diba? The people whose names I have used are a part of my life - I hope that's reason enough for you not to be offended if i mention you here.,

s0 OMG!!!

here goes...

Friday, September 24

my boyfriend really wanted to wtch the Red Horse Muziklaban Finals .. well, he told me so a couple of times last week, and i don't know why but what pissed me is the way he so rants on and on how he and his friends are going to have a blast...

hey.. hey.. wait a minute!!! im his girlfriend so how come i'm not in the picture?!

but then, i realized that "umm.. oh well, its just this once, its ok that he's with his friends.." so i told him.. well, he can go, and have fun.. and all that sappy stuff that comes out INVOULUNTARILY from my mouth everytime I'm with him.

A few minutes later, we're on the phone. Well, I called him up coz I was really down in the dumps, and I needed him at that moment to just listen to me. So yah, we're on the phone and he's like...
"San nga ung Amoranto stadium?"

and I'm like, thinking.. "Hey, Aren't u going to ask first how I fil, kung ok lng ako, kung kumain nko.."

So I told him that "I know, pero *mamaya* ko na sasabihin sau"

MAMAYA - meaning before we end the conversation

but then, he's so kulit na.. "cge na, san ba un, sabihin mo na.."

he is SOOO insensitive at that moment.. At my end of the line, my eyes are mugshot crying because I was so worried at that time about my friend Janine, and he's like, already thinking about his tropa and how tomorrow would go.

So I hang up on him.

And he got pissed, and nagtampo yata talaga siya, coz he refused to talk things over when I called back because I immediately regretted the impulsiveness of what I did..

And you know what? I didn't sleep a minute that Friday night, thinking na ang tanga tanga ko, and I don't want to go back to Quezon city nang di kami nagkakabati. I couldn't possibly further my agony by thinking about that all night so I just read and read books. uughh.. what a way to release pent-up frustration and sadness!

So Saturday Morning, around 7:30 am, September 25

I called him up as soon as I thought him awake.
Twice it rang and no one answered.
The third time, I was like, "Maybe he's not answering the phone kasi bad3p p rin siya sa kin.. :crying:

But then he picked up the phone, and he's like "Ginising mo ko. wat's up?" yep, he's mad at me all right.

What's up? Apologies. Love you's. Apologies. I'm still sad, note that.

And then, it turns out na di na pala siya sasamahan ng tropa niya sa RH Muziklaban for some reason I forgot.

So, driving for a few ganda points, I offered to accompany him.

SA TOTOO LANG, at first, i thought i'd just be there for him, maybe I won't even enjoy the concert coz I'm not really a rock fan or anything.

But then..

hey, arn.. what happened sa concert?!

Abangan ang susunod na kabanata..

*To be Continued*

I’m In Love!

Oh my God, it’s true! I can’t believe it. (after months of telling myself na I'm just after.. )

I mean, I thought I was in love, in love as in he’s my guy, and I’m his.

But no, this is more than that. WAY more. Damn, and I’m scared of it!

I’ve loved so many times before, and I’ve fooled around, been fooled with, hurt so many peopel so many times, and I've been hurt a lot, too.

And I got sick of the routine, so I told myself, “Arnee, make sure your next boyfriend will be your husband. No more tears.” And I told my friends and they were, like, “Oh sure, good luck!” As if they didn’t believe I was capable of choosing a perfect man for moi!

And yet, I find them correct! Here I am, shouting out to the world that I AM IN LOVE!

SO DEEPLY, ITS AS IF I JUST DUG MY OWN GRAVE AND I’M THINKING OF BURYING MYSELF THERE, NEVER TO LEAVE IT AGAIN.

I’m in love, hoping that this time its forever, hoping that I won’t make a fool of myself just in case he doesn’t feel the same way.

Does he love me as much as I do with him?

My friends are laughing at me. They go “Hahaha! We bet in a month or so, you’ll find someone new. We know you. You never stick with one guy.”

But I deserve the benefit of a doubt. I used to play around, but hell, this time, it’s real. I wanna make and keep it real.

I even summoned the courage to introduce him “formally” to my whole extended family, not to mention to my mom. My dad doesn’t know coz I’m scared of him, but mind you, HE is the first boyfriend I’ve ever introduced to my family.

I care so much that I want my whole family to love him the way I do.
I care so much that I am repeatedly thanking God that he gave Norbz to me. nagiging religious na ata ako.

But hey, I’m proud of him.
He looks a little too rugged, but he’s nice.
He’s thoughtful.
He’s smart.
He’s fun to be with.
He’s sweet.
He’s caring.
He loves him, and I do love him, too.
He’s my life.

No, I’m not exaggerating.

I love him. No, not the puppy love kind.

This may sound cheesy, but I can see him right IN my future life. I can picture myself as his wife, waking up early in the morning, cooking his meals, washing his clothes, taking care of our ‘future’ children. Yuck arn, ang corny. pero totoo..

It might take a lot of work, it may just be a wild vision, because we really are different ends of a magnet. But they say opposites attract, right?

And no matter what you say, what they say, I love him.
And I’ll love him long as I can, long as he wants me to.
And this time, I’ll keep it real.

But still, I AM SCARED.

Scared that one day, he will find a new girl and leave me, just as he did with his exes.

He left Girl # 1 for Girl # 2.
And after some time, he left Girl # 2 for Girl # 3.

Did I forget again to remind myself na ako pala si Girl # 3.

teka lang, baka naman may iba pa siya girls na di ko alam? oh, sh*t!

There was a time that he did nothing for me but made me cry. He played around with me, telling me he loves me and telling the adverse to his girlfriend.

once nga, nasa bahay siya, March 6 un, the day he promised me na makikipaghiwalay na siya dun s gf nia at that time. pero di daw niya kaya!

ang masama pa dun. he was texting her at the same time we were together (I was looking, yea, at his text), but the moment I glanced away, he texted her something.

And when **** replied, alam nio na kalagay.. ".. cge na nga, luv u din"

Ibig sabihin ng DIN, too, right? so before he gets a response na "I love u too", he must have said "I love u, first"

That asshole.

But I didn't want to give a damn!!! To hell sa lahat ng kontra sa'min.

E mahal ko nga e.

So I waited. I thought I couldn’t live without him.

Tapos dumating pa ung time na umamin yata siya s gf na un and he called me from his the gf's house telling he he won't see me anymore!!! na iwasan na daw kami.

SHEEETT!! I was about to die of pain dun kina Roda.

as in natulala ako, naiyak na at lahat lahat. pumunta pa nga ako nun kina mon2 at kelvin para mg-aya ng inuman kasi di tlaga ako makahinga nun sa sama ng loob.

Pero, the stupid person I am, I thought and said.
"Cge norbz, iwasan mko. Pero u can't stop me loving you. I want another chance."

And I waited. 3 months, 5 months.

June 4, 2004, The time I was about to give up. I was ready to be a man-hater again. I was almost ready to forget him and push him out of my thoughts, my heart, my life.

Un ung time na palipat na ako sa dorm. sabi ko nga sa 2g4m, (my tropa and norbz were at my house then) "pag tinaggihan pa niya ako ngayun, ayoko na. marami lalake sa ateneo"

But he told me, he needed a month more. Sige!!! I've waited this long. What's a month more?

July 3, 2004
nasa sinehan kami ngaun. A friendly date. I think it was The Day After Tomorrow ung pinapanood namin nun.

Suddenly, he asked me, "Gusto mo pa ba maging girlfriend ko?
Un ung hinihintay ko for a whole 7months!!!
The time that he told me he loved me, he wanted me to be his girl.

Sheet!! oo lang ako. mahal ko siya. Bahala na kung iwan niya ako sooner or later.

Ang nasa isip ko lang nun. Mahal ko siya. Un lang mahalaga. At pwede ko na siyang mahalin ng di patago!

At the time, I was so overwhelmed by happiness, that al Il could do was kiss him, hug him, thanking him and finally saying the words we used to say to each other, (but maybe, at times before, didn’t really mean it.) “I LOVE YOU”

I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU

me saying I love you to him never felt more natural to me!!

Pucha! bakit ngaun, natatakot na ako.

I want to put everything in my palm and offer myself to him wholly. But I’m scared that one day, he’ll just throw it all back to me, and leave me with nothing but broken dreams and a broken heart.

I know I may not be the perfect girl for him.

Sometimes I even feel that he is quietly summing me up every time he looks at me intently, as if he was sizing if I am right for him.

I’m scared.
I’m scared.
I’m scared.

Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by his show of love that all I can do is smile, lean on him, feeling complete. Then I would think, “What would happen to Arn when Norbz will walk out of her life?”

Help me. What do I do?

Grabe.. hanggang ngaun overwhelmed pa rin me by happiness.. Alam nio b ung feelng na parang iniinflate ung puso mo, sumisikip na ung dibdib mo pero all you can do is smile that silly grin on your face..

Hanggang ngayon, ganun pa rin ako..

Let me explain..

I study in Ateneo, and my bf studies in La Salle - Dasma.. more or less 3 hours away, depende pa sa traffic..

Since I'm not an eager commuter, nagdo-dorm ako and I only go home to Cavite every other week or so, depends on how heavy my workload is. Pero this past few weeks, I miss him so much na almost on a weekly basis na ako umuuwi. To Cavite every Friday night and back to Quezon City every Monday morn. 3 hours of heavy traffic, crowded MRTs and vans, not to mention my transportation fees, are what I endure just to go home and see him. My mom even crack that I don't go "home", I go "boyfriend." The joke is corny pero she's right.

And then last Thurday night, we were texting each other and we were like, "Hon, I miss you.. school's boring, nothing to do blah blah.. you want me to pick you up?" And me, thinking that he's kidding or if he wasn't, might change his mind, said "Yeah, that'd be great!" But was I so wrong! He was dead serious. He was planning, like, "Ok, I'll wait for you at KFC Katipunan around.. what time does your classes end?" And I was, like "Ok, I'll see you at 3pm. Nyt, hon, tnx." And I went to sleep looking forward to seeing my sweet, thoughtful honey Friday afternoon.

The moment the bell rang at 3:20 pm, I had already packed my things in my bag and I was rushing down the stairs of CTC, briskly walking Ateneo's walkways, enduring one of Katipunan's unexpected showers, but when I got to KFC, he wasn't there. Thinking that maybe he got caught up in traffic, I decided to while my time away first.

So I went to BookSale first, browsed through some books and when I went back to KFC, he was there, hair messed up by the wind, wearing a black Artwork shirt over his brown school pants and white (or what used to be white) Chucks. He might have looked a little too rugged to everyone else, but God, did he look so handsome to me at that moment! I rushed to him and kissed him at the cheek, not caring about the people dining at KFC who were probably looking at us. I would have kissed him right on the lips right then and there but I know how he feels about too much PDA.

We want back to my, well, "pad", packed a few things over a LOT of kisses and hugs, got the hell out of there and yes, endured another three hours of traffic together to go home.

I slept leaning on his shoulder at one time, and when I woke up, he was smiling and staring at me and he was like, "Hon, sarap ng tulog mo ah? ang ganda mo pala lalo pag tulog.." Aaawww.. =) wait lang.. bola ba un, o panlalait?! oh well, never mind.

Ihahatid pa nga niya ako dapat sa bahay pa, pero gabing gabi na. Nag-aalala na ako pag ganun kasi mamaya mapag-tripan honey ko pag-uwi niya mag-isa.. Muka kasing basagulero.. =) I can take care of myself, yes. Pero Im thankful he's there for me. Whenever I need him.

Did I mention that when he got home, he told me he was counting the minutes until he expected me to be home so he can still call me up and find out if I got home safe?

If I weren't so sleepy, we would have talked the night away but I was already half-asleep! =)